


How to Say "No" to Double-Ohs

by Linorien



Series: 007 Fest 2018 [6]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-05-21 15:35:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14918060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linorien/pseuds/Linorien
Summary: It's a common problem in MI6. The agent makes demands, an employee caves despite the rules and regulations. The head of HR has had enough and asks Q to teach them all his way. (Sleeping with one of them can't be the only answer.)





	How to Say "No" to Double-Ohs

**Author's Note:**

> To kick off Experiment Week, I bring you a power point.

Q saved the latest update to his code and switched windows to see what his two newest email notifications were for. It was a quiet day in Q branch, the only active missions were being handled without needing input from him and the next budget wasn’t due for another three months. He should start working on it, but he could put it off another day.

An email from Cheryl, head of HR and organizer of branch head meetings. Right, there was another one next Tuesday. He opened the email titled “Request for next head meeting”. 

_ Q, _

_ I have received many requests with help standing up to the 00 agents, especially 007. Complaints have been filed that the agents walk all over our staff and generally ignore rules and procedures without consequences. As the only member who has not issued such a complaint, I am requesting that you explain how you deal with the agents at our next meeting so that the information can be passed on. _

_ Not a crow, _

_ Cheryl _

Q closed his eyes and sighed. He should’ve expected this. Since he took over as quartermaster the number of misplaced tech had dropped and the number of visits to medical had gone up. Yet even his influence couldn’t keep the agents in the medical wing if they felt they were sufficiently healed. 

Maybe Cheryl had the right idea. If everyone stopped bowing to their every command, maybe they wouldn’t try as hard. Maybe they wouldn’t see Q as a mountain to wear down to a lowly hill. 

So he would give a talk on how to stand up to the agents. This called for one very specific application. 

Q opened up Microsoft PowerPoint.

* * *

The Quartermaster walked into the branch head meeting with his laptop bag slung over one shoulder. He waited while each head gave the usual report on the general status of their kingdoms. 

Tanner reported that agent training was going well. Initial evaluations indicated two potentials to the double-oh program and another twenty-two who would be good fits elsewhere. 

Q gave a quick update on major projects and ongoing surveillance missions.

Dave asked that everyone refrain from exiting out of the southwest exit while the tiles were being redone.

Kath gave the update on the finances. Surprise, surprise, they were over budget and she placed the blame on Q branch again. It wasn’t Q’s fault that the agents couldn’t bring back their equipment and that he was required to send them out with a standard kit. But that was an old argument and it would do no good to argue. 

He didn’t stop the sneer when she looked away though. Tanner raised his eyebrows saying he saw quite clearly.

Dr. Jackson gave a short report on new research involving the benefits of sobriety; no one in the room paid attention. 

The last speaker was Cheryl who reminded everyone to fill out the monthly reports on the emotional stability of their staff and then handed the floor over to Q. 

“I’ve asked Q to give us a presentation on how to stand up to the agents,” she said while Q hooked up his computer. “While you as branch heads may not need this presentation, my department has received many requests, though not always worded that way, for a lesson. Are you all set up, Q?”

“Yes.” 

Cheryl gestured for him to begin and hit the button on the table to dim the lights.

“The main trick to standing up to double-oh agents is saying ‘no’ to them,” Q began. “Now granted that’s easier in theory than in execution.” He clicked the button to advance to the next slide. 

“Here I’ve listed common reasons members of my department have given me when one of the agents has walked all over them. Is there anything else that members of your department have given as excuses?”

Q paused while the others read the slide and then paused for thought. He met each of their eyes and waited until they shook their heads. 

“Then let’s address these, starting with the first one. The agent claims he or she has blackmail on you. Something you never want your superior to find out about.”

Dr. Jackson snorted. “As if we don’t already know.”

“Quite,” Q agreed. “Unfortunately not everyone believes that we know everything about them. Or they think they are good at keeping things a secret but really everyone in the department know. And that’s one of possibilities here.” He flipped the slide. 

“However all of our agents are agents for a reason. They are good at lying. We train them to be flawless and we must assume that they use those skills for their own purpose. So if they claim they can blackmail you, assume they’re lying.”

“If they try a different tactic, say simple intimidation of strength or promising the allure of sex, well then your best defence is your imagination.”

“You imagine having sex with them?” Cheryl asked. “I know that doesn’t help.”

Q shook his head. “Imagine them separate from their identity as an agent. Because a lot of them are dorks.” Q quirked his lips as he flipped to the next slide. 

A ripple of laughter flew around the table. 

“They forget that we have people assigned to monitor all of the cctv cameras in addition to the automatic software. And sometimes the gems that they find are priceless.”

Q tried to keep a straight face, but when he looked at the picture of 003 on a lampost he couldn’t help the smile on his face as he remembered the full video that went with it.

“I can tell you with great confidence that once this picture of 007 in a cowboy costume circulated throughout the branch, stolen tech dropped by 17%.”

M’s eyebrows rose. “That much?”

“He steals a lot.”

M looked over at Tanner who only shrugged. “I’ve read the mission reports, I’ve been there when Q found out what they’ve taken. Did you really think Q would issue 003 a personal jet pack?”

“Why do we have a personal jetpack?” M asked. 

“You’d have to ask my predecessor.” Q returned to the slides. “The point is, the agents aren’t superheroes, they might be better trained, but that doesn’t mean they should be entitled to everything. And it certainly doesn’t mean they are impervious to ridicule.”

“I’ve brought with a couple examples of things my staff has made. It decreases stolen tech and increases employee morale. A good thing all around. Of course this isn’t a fail proof method. Some of your staff are still going to freeze up, especially if caught off guard. Which is why I have one last trick.” Q advanced to the final slide.

“Nothing a good jolt of electricity can’t solve. Knock them off their feet.” Q’s smile was full of smugness, the kind that comes from testing this repeatedly on any agent that annoyed him. “And I have brought some for you to distribute.” He reached into his bag and pulled out five small bundles of pens. “Click twice to engage, aim the nib at the agent. Now I don’t have a lot, budget cuts and all that,” he shot a dirty look at Kath, “but with employees refusing the agents more often, we should have more resources and more incentive to manufacture more of these.”

Cheryl took a pen out of the bundle and looked over it appreciatively. “Thank you, Q. I hope you all share this with your respective branches and I will be able to half the number of complaints my office has been receiving.”


End file.
